I have been thinking about him lately. I shouldn’t be. Thoughts of him should never cross my mind after he so easily discarded me. But they have swooped on in. He crossed my mind from time to time in the past, but there was just something.
And in my mind I wanted to will him to reach out to me. I wanted him to want to see me on some level. Even out of sheer curiosity. Not that I think he has the guts to. I think he knows I am far too good for him. I am worth far more than he is capable of giving. He doesn’t deserve me, my time, my attention. And yet I have sat thinking of him. Started etching out conversations we will never have.
I’ve thought of all the things I would want to say. The faces I would want to make to show my disinterest. I would tell him I am not even sure why I agreed to meet because he does not deserve a shred of my time or an ounce of my sympathy. I would tell him I know I shouldn’t be there but there I would sit, insisting I shouldn’t be there but curiosity has gotten the best of me.
Deep down I needed an answer. I needed to know why history had to repeat itself and I couldn’t be the one to break the cycle. A near slip of the tongue to confess your love for me while crossing state lines. We were a damn good pair. Knew how to handle the other, give space when needed and tough love when the whip needed to be cracked.
The last time you saw me you told me things were over with her. Kissed me entirely too passionately for what we weren’t. Asked me home. I knew better.
I couldn’t curl up to the warmth of your skin, get tangled in the mess of blankets and breath. I couldn’t pretend to be asleep beside you knowing my heart would be left shattered at the foot of the bed. I told you so. I can’t, I said. I must go.
We parted ways.
And then I came to need you, went in search of you to make everything all right for me if only for one single moment, and you were nowhere to be found. Distracted. The next time you saw me we were strangers under fluorescent lights. You acted as though I was part of the distant past, and in that moment I knew your mask had changed. You were no longer who I had tied my emotions to. No longer lingering kisses in the dark.
You became the man I knew you would be. The one I told silently in bed one night would turn out to hurt me. I should have known in your absence of reassurance that my suspicions were right. I should have walked away. But you were far too much of a train wreck and I was in need of fixing you.
Now all this time has passed, and I know I shouldn’t be thinking about you but I am. In those places I visit, those memories I recall, that cup of coffee I bought. You’re everywhere.