No one can truly understand what it is I am going through. I don’t fault anyone for that. My situation is pretty far outside the ‘norm.’ I get it.
I’ve been put in a situation in which I never wanted to find myself. A situation I worked so hard to avoid. And yet here I am.
I couldn’t imagine going back. I couldn’t imagine being in a different life than mine, no matter how hard I may wish on stars. This is my life now. It is the only life I have come to know. In all of its grotesque twists and turns, I have become uncomfortably comfortable. This is my norm.
Then there are all the minute details of this life, details I work so hard to – again – avoid and yet they are so far out of my control. I should mention I don’t like not being in control of my life. After all, it is this feeling that led me down the dark path of anorexia. A hell I somehow survived.
But can I survive this?
Time ticks on. The days fly by. The calendar changes before I have even had a chance to register what day it is.
Life keep rolling on. All the while I feel as though I am standing still. In the eye of a tornado, simply watching, marveling, at the outside world spinning on around me uncontrollably. I’m waiting for the dust to settle.
It begins to pick up speed.
And there are two little lives inside. Neither of which are mine. These precious little lives strewn about. I feel incapable, unprepared, unfit to hold. Yet here I hold.
I often wonder when this life of mine will truly be my own again. To dictate. To write. To live.