Over the last several months of making more time and space for myself I’ve started to confront some very real concerns about my future.
I have been put in some less than desirable situations involuntarily and others, well… I dove head first into those messes. While I’ve moved on from and let go of a few things that were no longer serving me, I still have a long way to go before I’m able to look around and say,”I’m good here.”
I have a steady job which generally I like. But it doesn’t challenge me. It doesn’t push me to learn, to better myself, to believe I am capable of greatness. I have a few good friends, and they are lovely. But none I can look up to, none too ambitious, none pushing me to let go of fear and embrace all possibility.
And so I started wondering, is this all there is?
From a young age I believed in my heart I was different, and I believed I was special. I was determined to make something of myself, for myself. Success was my driving force. I knew I was smart. I knew I was creative. I just needed a focus.
The focus has come and gone in so many ways. None of which I’ve been able to cling to long enough. The years jaded me, aged me, and started to kill off my long held beliefs that I could do and be anything I wanted. I’ve gone so far into survival mode that anything other than is merely a blip on the radar.
So where do I go from here?
The future scares me. Losing my ability to learn scares me. Not being able to provide for myself or Reilly terrifies me. Some days the fear is so overwhelming I literally feel like I’m choking and cannot breathe.
Yet I soldier on.
Deep down I still know I am destined for more, far more than this. I am more than the hustling 9 to 5 grind. I am more than this environment. I am more than being someone’s secret. I am more than other people’s mistakes. I am more than my fears.
And there is so much more than this.
It all awaits me, as long as I stay in the driver’s seat.