Falling Down.


The mind is an amazing thing. One day you feel so full of hope, optimistic, like you’re making headway. And then the next you wake up feeling out of sorts, feeling ill at ease in your own body, and having no idea what happened in those few short hours between falling asleep and rising.

This is life with depression.

While I may not hide my struggles, I don’t wear them like a badge of honor. I can be open to a point about the weight I carry around but I try to remain detached from it. I don’t want to feel it. I don’t want to wear it. I don’t want to be defined by it. It’s part of who I am but it’s not my whole story.

There are plenty of people who don’t understand it and plenty more who don’t even try. And this is why I tend to hide. It’s far easier to tuck myself away than to give into vulnerability. There are so many people lacking in basic compassion and in my state of being I don’t have the patience to explain it.

This is life with depression.

It isn’t always about a specific reason either. Depression doesn’t need a reason. And it sure as hell isn’t about anyone else but me. Can I not claim one thing in my life as my own?

There are circumstances beyond my control, and yes they lend themselves to the weight on my shoulders at the moment. So much of my life has been spent resisting, attempting to control that which is outside of my control. I made decisions long ago in order to be able to carry on my life in the way I wanted, and to have that compromised is a huge blow. My life is no longer about me, as selfish as that may sound, and it is an extremely hard pill to swallow.

I want my life back.

I don’t open up about this for attention. God knows that is the farthest thing from my mind at all times. I don’t want to be treated differently or like a fragile little bird. I want to be treated like a human being, maybe cared for a little extra in time of need, and always with love.

So if you don’t understand depression, if you can’t comprehend why I am the way I am, simply take the time to listen. Both to what I say and what I don’t.

I will always do my best to believe in tomorrow. And it would sure be nice if others believed in me.


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