It’s been a while.
I’d taken a break from writing because it felt forced and inauthentic. I had been writing daily for over 600 days. But over time, I was writing just to write. It felt like a chore. It stopped feeling like a release. So, I let it go.
I’ve been allowing the thoughts and ideas and feelings to dwell inside of me without escape. I wanted to sit with it all, experience it a little bit more, and then decide what to do. Which has lead me here, just as I figured it would.
The days and weeks have been blending together at this point. So much of my life has changed in the last three months. I can barely wrap my head around it all. I’m often losing track of days and commitments. I’m spread a little too thin for my liking. And I feel more change is necessary.
As I write this I am sitting in the office of yet another new job. Surely not the last new job I will have in my lifetime (or maybe even this year). But it pays really well, the hours are flexible, and my boss is very easy going. Fulfilling? No. But none of the jobs I’m currently holding are so it’s par for the course for now.
Therein lies the struggle.
My life over the last few years has become less and less about me and more and more about others. We’re now two kids deep. I’m never working less than two jobs at a time. Someone is always sick or in need. The only real alone time I get is when I’m asleep, and I can’t even seem to do that right!
There really isn’t any form of escapism in my life either. All of my interests seem to have gotten away from me. I mean, who even has the time? I’m constantly going or doing. Hell, I rarely even sit down to eat my meals. I have no idea what lights me up anymore because I am so focused on doing and being for others that I don’t take the time to do a thing for myself.
This is why I swore to myself this would be the year I focused on my spiritual growth, getting to the root of who I am and what makes me tick, breathing more, practicing patience with myself and others, and finally letting go of the expectations I’ve long shackled myself to. It would be a time of beautiful, painful, and expansive transformation.
I’ve even been failing myself in this endeavor. Any ‘free’ time I can seem to muster, usually at the end of the night, is reserved for work or other commitments. Then I stumble into bed only to do it all over again the next day. I’m led yet another step farther away from who I am and who I want to be. I’m not sure how to say ‘no’ to others more often and ‘yes’ to myself.
I haven’t given up on myself yet though, and that has to count for something, right?