Time Off.

The sweetness of summer is so close I can almost taste it.

About three weeks until Reilly is out of school and we can begin our little adventure together. We came to a family decision that I would take the summer off since I hadn’t been able to find a full time job. It makes more sense economically, and I had actually been in need of time to myself in order to really heal and become.

It’s been nearly two weeks now, and sometimes I feel like I am staring out into an abyss. I’m not always sure how to constructively fill the hours, and I feel guilty if I take an hour or two to be still (and occasionally binge watch something if I’m being honest!)

One goal I have had for this time is to release myself from the need for structure. I’m a creature of habit, and I like to know what I am going to do from one moment to the next. Having the freedom to decide as I please in real time is uncomfortable for me.

It’s something I’ve desired though, giving up my need for this sense of control. I’m embracing it fully, and so far I’m settling into it rather nicely.

Yesterday may have been the most relaxed so far, with writing, yoga, and taking the best, most gentle care of myself. I released myself from the pressure to do so much in a day and to just go with the flow. That is something I know nothing about!

I have high hopes for this time though.

I’ve finally begun reading more for pleasure and connection. I’m slowly getting back into cooking now that I have the time for it. I am moving my body in ways that feel good for me both physically and mentally. Most days I don’t utter a sound to the empty house, and I am able to melt into the scents of candles and essential oils.

The time to reconnect my body with my spirit has finally arrived, and I am taking full advantage of it.

As for once Reilly is out of school, I think I am most excited about those days ahead. We’ve talked about swimming, exploring in nature, visiting our friends and family, reading some delicious books, cooking together, camping out with a good movie, and enjoying a few lazy days.

This past year since Reilly’s baby sister came into our lives has been an adjustment for all of us. There are times I feel guilty for not being able to give her my undivided attention. I’m sure most parents and caregivers feel that way when the next baby arrives. It’s a balancing act for sure, one I don’t think I will ever master. But I hope each kiddo knows just how much they are adored and needed. And I hope I am able to connect even more deeply with Reilly over the next few months.

In the weeks leading up to this change I was crazy anxious, stressed and depressed. I worried about money, how I’d find a job down the road, how I would actually make this work. Yet now in this moment I feel more calm and optimistic. I feel free to become someone better than who I’d been for a while there. I can take my time in deciding what comes next. I can dream really big dreams – and I can believe they will come true!

I know how fortunate I am to be able to take this time off, not just for myself but for my family.  I know it’s up to me to use this time wisely to break out of the mold that never suited me in the first place.

I’m a little more excited with each passing day, a little more relaxed and accepting of what is, what was, and what’s to come. I can’t wait to finally be more present in my life and enjoy the experience.

xx

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Use This Time Wisely.

If there is one thing any of us should learn early in life it’s that things often don’t go as planned. I’ve learned this simple yet valuable lesson a million times over. Though that doesn’t make it any easier to digest when plans take an abrupt detour.

There is plenty happening in life right now about which I feel equal parts happy and scared. I feel overextended in some areas as I completely neglect others. I am both starry eyed and drenched by a rain cloud. I take that one step forward to only take those two steps back.  And I am still struggling to find a calm and peaceful sense of balance in the midst of it all.

Since I now find myself in the eye of a storm with plenty of time to navigate these choppy waters, I’ve decided to move full steam ahead. Face it head on. Use this time wisely.

My main intention for this new year and new age was to reconnect with myself and the world on a more spiritual level. It’s no secret I’ve long felt disconnected from my body. I’ve felt disconnected from who I am outside of the roles I play for everyone else. I’ve struggled to make a tiny footprint in the world around me. All of this wears me down in the darkness of night as I lie in bed wondering what in the world I am doing with myself.

With this newfound freedom comes a great sense of responsibility to myself. If I don’t know who I am on my own as a whole person I can’t possibly find my way forward. The next few months will be telling, an adventure of sorts, as I blindly attempt to get reacquainted with myself.

None of this is ideal, and all of it causes great anxiety. But I recognize my need for space and time. My need for being alone, coming undone, and rebuilding myself.

I’m taking some time off from being someone to everyone else, and for once I am going to be someone for me.