After feeling fairly emotionless for a while, shedding no tears, forcing on smiles, and lacking inspiration, it’s finally all hitting me.
Every song a reminder of a time. Every step a little harder to take. Eyes like a kinked up hose. I can feel it, something, festering. Bubbling underneath the surface. Pushing up against the walls. Begging to get out.
If I let myself, I can feel myself missing. If I let myself, the hurt and disappointment starts seeping in through the cracks. If I let myself, I’ll get lost again.
I don’t want to feel the pain. I don’t want to feel the disappointment. I don’t want to feel the failure of years past. I want to face forward into this moment. I want to focus on what’s good. I want to sever the ties of resistance. I want to take it easy on myself. Be gentle. Mothering. Compassionate.
I want to give of myself. I want to be the difference. I want to stop wondering, stop wandering. I want to give up the ghosts. Take back the broken pieces of my heart. Mean every word I say.
Fall, the most transformational time of the year.