A True Test.

I’ve been sick for a week now. One illness layered upon another layered upon another. It’s forced me to slow down, like to a screeching halt, in an effort to preserve what little energy I have in order to heal my physical body.

A true test. I am so used to constantly being on the go. Work, kids, cooking, cleaning, working out, and all the mundane daily needs of the self and a family. Sleep never brings the reset I pray it will and by sun up it’s time to do it all over again.

Being unable to do much of anything sure gave me a lot of time to think though. Mostly about how my body got so damn sick. You see, I very very rarely come down with anything, even with two little ones in the house. Yet every few years I get knocked on my ass. I guess my good luck streak had run its course.

With the combination of all I’ve got, I know physically how it happened. Yet I tend to believe it goes beyond the body itself.

Lately I have been weighed down by an almost insurmountable amount of stress, depression, anxiety, doubt, and fear. It eats away at me. I cry a lot. My stomach is often in knots. I have been highly irritable. I can’t sleep through the night and what little sleep I do get is restless. I’ve withdrawn from a lot of people. My mind is constantly racing and trying to find a way ‘out’.

On top of all that, alcohol has become a close friend of mine, ‘to take the edge off’ I foolishly tell myself. I haven’t been fueling myself with the best food choices. I over caffeinate to make up for the lack of sleep. My workouts have been subpar. And my lack of confidence is growing with each passing day.

When I step outside of myself, I can see how all of these negative thoughts and actions are poisoning me. My immune system is being chipped away at each time I engage. It’s absolutely no wonder to me how I managed to get as sick as I did as quickly as I did.

I wholeheartedly believe all of these aspects of who we are and what we do, the things we think, the choices we make, they either elevate you or they bring intense bouts of suffering in some form. Unfortunately the emotional torment wasn’t enough thus manifesting a physical illness which would force me to face my reality.

The root of the matter is not unknown to me. It’s a truth I have been trying to hide from for weeks now. I made a decision in haste, knowing deep down the timing was not right yet feeling as though my hand was forced, and I am paying a high price.

What holds me back the most is the criticism I stand to face from everyone around me. I don’t think there are enough people in my orbit who are in tune with their intuition and allow it to guide the decisions they make, even if it doesn’t make sense to anyone else. It has taken me many years and many more missteps to get here. Somehow though I am still allowing fear to take the wheel.

It reminds me of a quote about fear from Elizabeth Gilbert’s book Big Magic:
“There’s plenty of room in this vehicle for all of us, so make yourself at home, but understand this: Creativity and I are the only ones who will be making any decisions along the way… You’re allowed to have a seat, and you’re allowed to have a voice, but you are not allowed to have a vote.”

I aspire to live my life in this way. I am in dire need of a burst of creativity, a return to who I used to be. I’m not even sure how I lost her, or my magic, along the way. My guess is I have allowed fear to consume me and completely drive my life in a direction far off course. Sure there have been some trade offs in power along the way, but realistically I have played so close to the vest which is the exact opposite of how I wanted my life to be.

By this age I dreamt of freedom and far off places, books and wisdom…. a colorful life. One I curated out of love.

I don’t want to spend the remainder of my life, however long that may be, inside this bubble of safety and comfort. I don’t want to care if my life makes sense to anyone other than me. I don’t want to continue to allow fear to have a say.

I want to live a life fulfilled. I want to invite fear in as a friend. I want to mend these broken parts of me for good.

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