I want this to be the last I write about this.
I want this to be the last day I hold any resentment or regret.
I want this to be the day I unshackle myself and become free.
There was a moment tonight when I started to really wonder, more than I ever had before, how I got to be here. How did I blink and become 34? Why did the years pass on without a long lasting love? Why did I make a decision at 22 yet now I am living the life I suffered to avoid?
How did my life become everything I tried to escape?
Where did I go wrong?
I mean, I do genuinely feel in some respects I’m in a place I was meant to be. There are certain situations and people that have come into my life and it feels like a piece of the puzzle has been solved. Yet on the flip side I have so many holes, so many stones left unturned, dreams unfulfilled, pages unwritten, life unlived.
So how did I end up here? Why didn’t I leave when I had the chance? Why didn’t I live while I had the chance?
These emotions rear their ugly heads from time to time, and I know full well it’s because I haven’t yet accepted where I am. I haven’t accepted that my life hasn’t gone at all according to ‘plan.’ I haven’t accepted that, yes, some of my own decisions got me here. I sure as hell haven’t fully accepted that this is it, for always and forever, until I draw my last breath. And at times I can’t even imagine my life any differently.
So how do I finally put these feelings to rest? How do I fully step into where I am and who I am? How do I make peace, forgive (others and myself), and put the ‘what ifs’ and ‘if onlys’ to rest?
Sometimes I think I’m getting there. Until that moment I get tripped up, lose sight, begin resenting, and eventually land in the question of ‘how did I get here?’ It’s a vicious cycle. A cycle I am desperate to escape.
I know there is no well traveled road to get me there, that no one can really guide me. Because everyone’s journey is unique. No matter the similarities, the variables are too great and ultimately I have to step into healing on my own. I have to forge my own path. I have to heal my own heart, mend my own fences, and find my own way.
I’m ready now though. Really ready. I’m ready to let go of this baggage I’ve been carrying around, using as an excuse, stumbling over, and trying to hide. I’m ready to be set free. Ready to become someone better.
I’m ready to roll up my sleeves and do the dirty work. I’m ready to dig in, tear my heart out and finally stitch it up. I’m ready to be someone to another. I’m ready to not be alone in this life. I’m ready to be part of something greater than myself, leaving behind ego for selflessness.
I’m ready to step into my divine power. Own my life. Own my shit. By any means necessary.
I know it’s going to hurt. Like hell. I know it’s going to be emotional and painful. I know I’m going to have to tear down my walls and actually FEEL all of this. I have to bleed it out, throw it up, and flush it away. I have to drag myself through the muck kicking and screaming until I’ve finally expelled every last bit of the past from my limp body.
And then I have to pick myself back up, take a deep breath, face the sun, and start walking. Only then will I have truly let go. And only then will my heart be healed.