Hello, Stranger.

Over and over again I make a promise to myself to write here more. I have these grand plans to be more open with my life and to find constructive ways be expressive only to completely drop the ball.

I’d wanted to share all the details of my summer with Reilly. I was so excited to spend nearly every waking moment with her, listening to her tell me all about the fun she had in whatever class or workshop she decided to take, baking and laughing and doing all this stuff! But I’ll be honest, it wasn’t as exciting as I’d hoped it would be.

Reilly got involved in a few things, and we did bake and spend lots of time together. But she was also extremely lazy and I allowed her to be. I was more focused on using the time to ‘find myself’ and better myself that I let a lot of moments slip away from us. Not to mention I spent nearly half the summer in a funk because of a not so great relationship. I didn’t have a whole lot more emotion to spare.

We made it through though. We laughed, made big messes, cleared out clutter, watched movies, ate a lot. There was still plenty of strong connection. I know I’ll forever cherish having that extra time with her.

Now we’re nearly two months into a new school year in a new school, and we are finding balance and structure in a new way. Reilly’s involved in so many things I barely have a night to myself. I don’t mind it. If it makes her happy and gives her a sense of involvement, I’m all for it.

As for me, I’ve been using these last nearly two months to deepen my connection to myself, first and foremost, and also with the world around me. After trying a few different workout programs I finally decided to follow my instinct and make my way back onto a yoga mat. And I must admit it has been one of the best decisions.

I’m finally feeling much more healed from my eating disorder. My body image has never been this good. I feel a lot more confident and independent. I’m calmer and more patient. My focus is on *feeling* and *being* instead of how I look. My eating habits have changed enormously, and I am no longer feeling afraid or restrictive. I’m comfortable in my human body, an experience I didn’t think would ever be possible for me.

More recently I’ve begun putting in the work to align myself better with my purpose, living a good life, and being surrounded by the right people. It would be easy to allow my current situation of being jobless to get me down but I don’t let it. I know certain things aren’t lining up yet because I am still walking this current path. I am still figuring out my place in this world.

There’s no time to dwell on what went wrong, who wronged me, and how I found myself in this situation. I can’t go back and make different choices. I’ve learned to accept what has happened to and for me, and I’m focusing forward. Eventually the next right step will appear, and when it does I’ll be ready to take it.

In the meantime, I’ll continue working on myself through yoga, meditation, good books, and a whole lot of coffee. I’m strengthening some bonds while quietly ushering others out the back door. I’m lighting more candles, taking in more sunshine and fresh air, and I’m loving the time I have with the girls before they become too old to want to be seen with me.

I no longer feel like a stranger to myself, though, and my, what a wonderful feeling it is.

xx

Advertisements

If It Isn’t Fun Anymore…

One of my favorite things about being out in nature with one of my closest friends is the pearls of wisdom our conversations bring about.

I’d been explaining (actually more like complaining) that something I had been involved in for some time was no longer fulfilling. It felt more like a job, more like pulling teeth, and has been causing mostly resistance in me. What started out as a way to be more involved in the world around me quickly took a sharp turn downward. I’ve been waiting and waiting for the spark to reignite but so far the entire thing has flatlined.

To which my dear friend chimed in with this gem of a quote: “If it doesn’t make you happy, make you better, or make you money, don’t do it.”

I mean, I couldn’t argue with that at all. This particular thing does none of those for me, not anymore at least. And maybe it’s because I’ve placed too much expectation on it and everyone else and everything involved. I wanted it to be something meaningful, connective, charging, and I had the highest hopes for change.

For a while there, yes, it was an amazing thing. It was inspiring and uniting. Now it feels more to me like a second thought and an obligation I don’t necessarily know I want to continue being a part of.

And I’ve tried. I have tried to remember why I got involved in the first place. I remember where and why it all started. I remember the good we’ve done, the connections we’ve made, and the support we’ve given. It doesn’t feel as effective anymore. It doesn’t feel like we have progressed far enough since its birth. It doesn’t feel as though we are cohesive and united enough for change.

So, maybe it’s time for me to get out while it’s still a good thing. Maybe someone else can do the ‘job’ much better than I can and I would certainly welcome that with open arms. Because we’ve got a lot of work to do here.

Can I Have A Minute?

After feeling fairly emotionless for a while, shedding no tears, forcing on smiles, and lacking inspiration, it’s finally all hitting me.

Every song a reminder of a time. Every step a little harder to take. Eyes like a kinked up hose. I can feel it, something, festering. Bubbling underneath the surface. Pushing up against the walls. Begging to get out.

If I let myself, I can feel myself missing. If I let myself, the hurt and disappointment starts seeping in through the cracks. If I let myself, I’ll get lost again.

I don’t want to feel the pain. I don’t want to feel the disappointment. I don’t want to feel the failure of years past. I want to face forward into this moment. I want to focus on what’s good. I want to sever the ties of resistance. I want to take it easy on myself. Be gentle. Mothering. Compassionate.

I want to give of myself. I want to be the difference. I want to stop wondering, stop wandering. I want to give up the ghosts. Take back the broken pieces of my heart. Mean every word I say.

Fall, the most transformational time of the year.

Time Off.

The sweetness of summer is so close I can almost taste it.

About three weeks until Reilly is out of school and we can begin our little adventure together. We came to a family decision that I would take the summer off since I hadn’t been able to find a full time job. It makes more sense economically, and I had actually been in need of time to myself in order to really heal and become.

It’s been nearly two weeks now, and sometimes I feel like I am staring out into an abyss. I’m not always sure how to constructively fill the hours, and I feel guilty if I take an hour or two to be still (and occasionally binge watch something if I’m being honest!)

One goal I have had for this time is to release myself from the need for structure. I’m a creature of habit, and I like to know what I am going to do from one moment to the next. Having the freedom to decide as I please in real time is uncomfortable for me.

It’s something I’ve desired though, giving up my need for this sense of control. I’m embracing it fully, and so far I’m settling into it rather nicely.

Yesterday may have been the most relaxed so far, with writing, yoga, and taking the best, most gentle care of myself. I released myself from the pressure to do so much in a day and to just go with the flow. That is something I know nothing about!

I have high hopes for this time though.

I’ve finally begun reading more for pleasure and connection. I’m slowly getting back into cooking now that I have the time for it. I am moving my body in ways that feel good for me both physically and mentally. Most days I don’t utter a sound to the empty house, and I am able to melt into the scents of candles and essential oils.

The time to reconnect my body with my spirit has finally arrived, and I am taking full advantage of it.

As for once Reilly is out of school, I think I am most excited about those days ahead. We’ve talked about swimming, exploring in nature, visiting our friends and family, reading some delicious books, cooking together, camping out with a good movie, and enjoying a few lazy days.

This past year since Reilly’s baby sister came into our lives has been an adjustment for all of us. There are times I feel guilty for not being able to give her my undivided attention. I’m sure most parents and caregivers feel that way when the next baby arrives. It’s a balancing act for sure, one I don’t think I will ever master. But I hope each kiddo knows just how much they are adored and needed. And I hope I am able to connect even more deeply with Reilly over the next few months.

In the weeks leading up to this change I was crazy anxious, stressed and depressed. I worried about money, how I’d find a job down the road, how I would actually make this work. Yet now in this moment I feel more calm and optimistic. I feel free to become someone better than who I’d been for a while there. I can take my time in deciding what comes next. I can dream really big dreams – and I can believe they will come true!

I know how fortunate I am to be able to take this time off, not just for myself but for my family.  I know it’s up to me to use this time wisely to break out of the mold that never suited me in the first place.

I’m a little more excited with each passing day, a little more relaxed and accepting of what is, what was, and what’s to come. I can’t wait to finally be more present in my life and enjoy the experience.

xx

Use This Time Wisely.

If there is one thing any of us should learn early in life it’s that things often don’t go as planned. I’ve learned this simple yet valuable lesson a million times over. Though that doesn’t make it any easier to digest when plans take an abrupt detour.

There is plenty happening in life right now about which I feel equal parts happy and scared. I feel overextended in some areas as I completely neglect others. I am both starry eyed and drenched by a rain cloud. I take that one step forward to only take those two steps back.  And I am still struggling to find a calm and peaceful sense of balance in the midst of it all.

Since I now find myself in the eye of a storm with plenty of time to navigate these choppy waters, I’ve decided to move full steam ahead. Face it head on. Use this time wisely.

My main intention for this new year and new age was to reconnect with myself and the world on a more spiritual level. It’s no secret I’ve long felt disconnected from my body. I’ve felt disconnected from who I am outside of the roles I play for everyone else. I’ve struggled to make a tiny footprint in the world around me. All of this wears me down in the darkness of night as I lie in bed wondering what in the world I am doing with myself.

With this newfound freedom comes a great sense of responsibility to myself. If I don’t know who I am on my own as a whole person I can’t possibly find my way forward. The next few months will be telling, an adventure of sorts, as I blindly attempt to get reacquainted with myself.

None of this is ideal, and all of it causes great anxiety. But I recognize my need for space and time. My need for being alone, coming undone, and rebuilding myself.

I’m taking some time off from being someone to everyone else, and for once I am going to be someone for me.

 

The ‘Have,’ Not ‘Have Not’

I’ve heard it a million times: focus on what you have, not what you don’t. But the cliche saying couldn’t be stuck in my head at a more relevant time.

I’ve been stuck in what feels like my worst depression yet. I can go from high to low in a matter of minutes and then sink so deep that I cry so hard I feel as though I will collapse on the floor (sounds dramatic but true story! Happened last week.) Depression doesn’t just affect my mind, it impairs my entire body. My breathing becomes labored, my eyes are heavy, and I ache right down to the bone.

The more aware I become of my surroundings, my feelings, and my place in the world, the worse I feel. Some days it feels as though I have the weight of the world upon me, and I am terrified of letting everyone down. Terrified of not being enough (God, am I still dealing with this?!).

But worst of all, I am putting immense pressure on myself to be a certain somebody and to have a certain life. Not being able to do it all, be it all, and have it all is ripping me to shreds.

I have so much of what I never wanted, and with each passing day, the life I yearn to live is slipping farther and farther away from me. This past year has been forcing me to reconcile the life I have with the life I wanted. Because there is no going back. I’m woven into this new life, and like it or not I have to find a way to accept and embrace it. I have to find a way to merge bits of what I want into what I have now.

I’m failing miserably.

My biggest obstacle at the moment is time and space. Being a parent of two now is very time consuming. Kids are needy, on their time not yours. So creating boundaries can be challenging. Add in the appointments, activities, a relationship, and a second job, I barely have time to wash my hair let alone do anything “extra” for myself.

I do try in little ways to take better care of myself. I went back to eating a vegan diet and focusing on what will help my body feel good. I cut back on my caffeine intake. I try to get into bed at a decent hour most nights. I’m trying to read more and spend less time on my phone. I allow myself to cry and admit I am vulnerable. I connect more deeply with my close friends and allow myself to be loved by those in my circle. I do force myself to focus on all the goodness in my life instead of what I feel is missing. But it still doesn’t feel like enough to dissipate the longing.

Life is most definitely a marathon and not a sprint. The positive effects won’t happen overnight. And I know I have more work to do on my insides in order to feel better about the outside. Day by day, all I can do is continue making good choices and trust the Universe to lead the way.

Even with regards to self-care, it’s easy to want to find a quick fix, to be impatient for change to happen now and wanting it to unrealistically wave a magic wand over my head to make me feel right. Because after all, that’s all I want, is to feel settled.

I want to want this life while continuing to make it better. I don’t want to life in resistance, longing for what will never be, what never was, and what might have been.

The Hustle is Hard.

It’s been a while.

I’d taken a break from writing because it felt forced and inauthentic. I had been writing daily for over 600 days. But over time, I was writing just to write. It felt like a chore. It stopped feeling like a release. So, I let it go.

I’ve been allowing the thoughts and ideas and feelings to dwell inside of me without escape. I wanted to sit with it all, experience it a little bit more, and then decide what to do. Which has lead me here, just as I figured it would.

The days and weeks have been blending together at this point. So much of my life has changed in the last three months. I can barely wrap my head around it all. I’m often losing track of days and commitments. I’m spread a little too thin for my liking. And I feel more change is necessary.

As I write this I am sitting in the office of yet another new job. Surely not the last new job I will have in my lifetime (or maybe even this year). But it pays really well, the hours are flexible, and my boss is very easy going. Fulfilling? No. But none of the jobs I’m currently holding are so it’s par for the course for now.

Therein lies the struggle.

My life over the last few years has become less and less about me and more and more about others. We’re now two kids deep. I’m never working less than two jobs at a time. Someone is always sick or in need. The only real alone time I get is when I’m asleep, and I can’t even seem to do that right!

There really isn’t any form of escapism in my life either. All of my interests seem to have gotten away from me. I mean, who even has the time? I’m constantly going or doing. Hell, I rarely even sit down to eat my meals. I have no idea what lights me up anymore because I am so focused on doing and being for others that I don’t take the time to do a thing for myself.

This is why I swore to myself this would be the year I focused on my spiritual growth, getting to the root of who I am and what makes me tick, breathing more, practicing patience with myself and others, and finally letting go of the expectations I’ve long shackled myself to. It would be a time of beautiful, painful, and expansive transformation.

I’ve even been failing myself in this endeavor. Any ‘free’ time I can seem to muster, usually at the end of the night, is reserved for work or other commitments. Then I stumble into bed only to do it all over again the next day. I’m led yet another step farther away from who I am and who I want to be. I’m not sure how to say ‘no’ to others more often and ‘yes’ to myself.

I haven’t given up on myself yet though, and that has to count for something, right?