Invisible.

Have you ever felt like a visitor in your own life? As though you don’t belong anywhere? Not among any group of people, not in any situation, relationship, space or time? A deep rooted feeling of not belonging. Unable to shake. Unbearable to carry.

Yet this is my life.

For as long as I can remember I never felt like I fit in. Not in school, not at a job, not with friends, not in romantic relationships, and not even with my family. I have always felt like “that one over there.” People kind of like me, or maybe they like the idea of me, yet no one wants to claim me. No one wants to call me their own, part of their tribe, a piece of their puzzle.

I can only get so close to people. I can only do so well at work. I can only do so much for others. Still going unnoticed, head down, and constantly fighting for a place in this world.

Being a loner hasn’t always been self imposed. It’s just that you get tired of feeling less than. It hurts more to stand along the fray of the crowd than to omit your translucence from the picture. It hurts more to stare at the phone waiting for someone to care enough to ask how you are and really want to know. And it’s crippling to continue to put trust in the wrong people who are all to quick to take advantage of your generosity and kind heart.

This is why I long to live between the mountains and the fields. My bones ache to feel more connected to the earth than to its people. The sun a more steady presence than most, and the moon more faithful than any man I’ve ever been with.

I yearn to come and go as I please, answering to no one, asking for comfort from the stars and kisses from cool breezes.

I don’t belong here. I’ve never belonged anywhere. And no one would miss me if I were gone.

Some day my time to roam will come. Some day I will find a sense of belonging within myself, and there I’ll make a home.

Advertisements

The ‘Have,’ Not ‘Have Not’

I’ve heard it a million times: focus on what you have, not what you don’t. But the cliche saying couldn’t be stuck in my head at a more relevant time.

I’ve been stuck in what feels like my worst depression yet. I can go from high to low in a matter of minutes and then sink so deep that I cry so hard I feel as though I will collapse on the floor (sounds dramatic but true story! Happened last week.) Depression doesn’t just affect my mind, it impairs my entire body. My breathing becomes labored, my eyes are heavy, and I ache right down to the bone.

The more aware I become of my surroundings, my feelings, and my place in the world, the worse I feel. Some days it feels as though I have the weight of the world upon me, and I am terrified of letting everyone down. Terrified of not being enough (God, am I still dealing with this?!).

But worst of all, I am putting immense pressure on myself to be a certain somebody and to have a certain life. Not being able to do it all, be it all, and have it all is ripping me to shreds.

I have so much of what I never wanted, and with each passing day, the life I yearn to live is slipping farther and farther away from me. This past year has been forcing me to reconcile the life I have with the life I wanted. Because there is no going back. I’m woven into this new life, and like it or not I have to find a way to accept and embrace it. I have to find a way to merge bits of what I want into what I have now.

I’m failing miserably.

My biggest obstacle at the moment is time and space. Being a parent of two now is very time consuming. Kids are needy, on their time not yours. So creating boundaries can be challenging. Add in the appointments, activities, a relationship, and a second job, I barely have time to wash my hair let alone do anything “extra” for myself.

I do try in little ways to take better care of myself. I went back to eating a vegan diet and focusing on what will help my body feel good. I cut back on my caffeine intake. I try to get into bed at a decent hour most nights. I’m trying to read more and spend less time on my phone. I allow myself to cry and admit I am vulnerable. I connect more deeply with my close friends and allow myself to be loved by those in my circle. I do force myself to focus on all the goodness in my life instead of what I feel is missing. But it still doesn’t feel like enough to dissipate the longing.

Life is most definitely a marathon and not a sprint. The positive effects won’t happen overnight. And I know I have more work to do on my insides in order to feel better about the outside. Day by day, all I can do is continue making good choices and trust the Universe to lead the way.

Even with regards to self-care, it’s easy to want to find a quick fix, to be impatient for change to happen now and wanting it to unrealistically wave a magic wand over my head to make me feel right. Because after all, that’s all I want, is to feel settled.

I want to want this life while continuing to┬ámake it better. I don’t want to life in resistance, longing for what will never be, what never was, and what might have been.

Falling Down.

image

The mind is an amazing thing. One day you feel so full of hope, optimistic, like you’re making headway. And then the next you wake up feeling out of sorts, feeling ill at ease in your own body, and having no idea what happened in those few short hours between falling asleep and rising.

This is life with depression.

While I may not hide my struggles, I don’t wear them like a badge of honor. I can be open to a point about the weight I carry around but I try to remain detached from it. I don’t want to feel it. I don’t want to wear it. I don’t want to be defined by it. It’s part of who I am but it’s not my whole story.

There are plenty of people who don’t understand it and plenty more who don’t even try. And this is why I tend to hide. It’s far easier to tuck myself away than to give into vulnerability. There are so many people lacking in basic compassion and in my state of being I don’t have the patience to explain it.

This is life with depression.

It isn’t always about a specific reason either. Depression doesn’t need a reason. And it sure as hell isn’t about anyone else but me. Can I not claim one thing in my life as my own?

There are circumstances beyond my control, and yes they lend themselves to the weight on my shoulders at the moment. So much of my life has been spent resisting, attempting to control that which is outside of my control. I made decisions long ago in order to be able to carry on my life in the way I wanted, and to have that compromised is a huge blow. My life is no longer about me, as selfish as that may sound, and it is an extremely hard pill to swallow.

I want my life back.

I don’t open up about this for attention. God knows that is the farthest thing from my mind at all times. I don’t want to be treated differently or like a fragile little bird. I want to be treated like a human being, maybe cared for a little extra in time of need, and always with love.

So if you don’t understand depression, if you can’t comprehend why I am the way I am, simply take the time to listen. Both to what I say and what I don’t.

I will always do my best to believe in tomorrow. And it would sure be nice if others believed in me.

xx